Awoken - April 20th, 2023

I feel like I want to cry out “I’m awake! I’m awake already!”. It’s not sleep I’ve been awoken from though. As I peer out my bedroom window this morning there is snow flurrying down onto bare roads and the tiniest sprouts of new grass. It’s supposed to be mid spring; just yesterday we were finally out there with the kids biking around with this long awaited easiness of thin layers and the carefree joy that comes when the wind doesn’t hurt your face or numb your fingers. Unaware how fleeting that weather was, reluctantly trusting that the new season was in full swing. 

Maybe ignorance is what was needed to enjoy yesterday. Not lost in over think how best to enjoy our time or wrestling with the implications of opting for leisure activities over yard work to fully utilize such a fleeting day of nice weather. Foresight can seem like a luxury in the face of an adversity, no matter how small, but at times I’ve found too much feels like a barrier to our freedoms and our capacity for joy. 

This is not the first awakening I’ve gone through. In fact this whisper had been growing for months before I felt the inclination to even sit up and acknowledge it. Far too often I’ve woken with ambition and optimism only to have been talked into turning-in early by my own fears. If only I could muffle the voice of my intuition as easily as I can avoid the weather forecast. Fool me once shame on you but who is the real fool now? How long did we wait before we permitted ourselves to enjoy the weather? Why is it such a struggle to live with uncertainty? This snow falling down giving odd reassurance to my pessimism as if something as fickle as weather can confirm fears that nothing can be trusted. 

I thought the snow would melt as it hit the ground and maybe it did at first but I missed it running about getting the kids out the door for school this morning. It’s covering the sidewalks and rooftops now and would be pretty if it were mid autumn but it’s really getting in the way this time of year. Is that what I’ve become? Is this feeling like snow in the spring: a desire burning in me to start again but at what feels like the worst time. It is uncomfortable to think back at the grass that only becomes greener as time passing weakens my memory. 

I didn’t know what I wanted to do or what direction I wanted to go when I was just starting out as a young adult. Would it have been wise to burn all our gas gunning the engine in the wrong direction? Or what I have saved in gas have I lost ten fold in time idling on the shoulder of the road for far too long without even a tale to tell of an adventure? What resource is more precious: time or money? I don’t even need to pause to know how fool hearty I sound. 

I’ve acted as if unaware that joy is a necessity to a happy life. I have given up the fight for joy at the risk of losing something as if joy wasn’t equally worth my efforts. As if a hand full of gold is a fair substitute for a life lived to the fullest. I know we all pray for sun and warmth in the middle of a blizzard  but like rain on a farmers field it is such a crucial part of life. 

Be careful what you wish for, it just might come true. The darkest times make possible the brightest of sun-shining days.